Husband's Duties, Love

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.  He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  (Ephesians 5:28)

As if telling men to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her had not sufficiently made the point, Paul used this verse to make the point that the obligation of the husband toward the wife supremely calls for an unselfish, giving kind of love to the ultimate degree.  While the Bible imposes the same moral guidelines on the husband and wife with equality and balance, it wisely illustrates certain specific issues with the partner who most naturally needs reminding of those traits.  There is such a strong tendency in men with being macho, showing what it means to really be a man, that many men are ill at ease when they attempt to show tender emotions.  They somehow think that such emotions compromise their manhood and make them appear to be less masculine.  To counter that tendency, Paul illustrated the marital obligation of love with the husband, not that the wife is any less obligated to love, but that the man more often needs the reminder.

As their own bodies.  While women are frequently used to illustrate excessive vanity in their appearance, men are no less obsessed with their appearance. There are two kinds of self-love that the Bible addresses, one is commendable and one is sinful.  Self-respect is really self-love in a commendable and honorable way.  Self-gratification, especially at the expense and humiliation of others, is wrong.  It should be obvious to us that the honorable sense of self-love, or self-respect, is the issue in this verse.

Often in a group of men who are ready to break up and go home, you hear one or more of the men say, "Well, it's time to go see what the old lady is up to." "The old lady" seems a bit disrespectful as a reference to one's wife.  When I hear a man say this, especially if he has demonstrated in other ways that he does not sufficiently respect his wife, I want to remind the man that he could have chosen any woman who would have him and he chose her as his wife.  A man's attitude toward his wife reflects much of his attitude toward life.

Many who reject the Bible pattern of the husband/wife relationship do so from the basis that Paul, the supposed bachelor who didn't really like women, had the most to say about this relationship.  If we read the writings of Paul on this subject, we will quickly discover that he did not hate women.  Far from it, he held them in deep, sincere respect.

Many men use the Bible as an excuse to abuse and mistreat their wives.  Such use of the Bible is ill advised and unjustified.  The greater obligation in scripture seems to be on the man.  Only when a man has demonstrated his love for his wife to the same degree that Christ demonstrated his love for the church can a man claim to have fulfilled the Bible pattern of a good husband, and this example rejects the man as a failure who abuses and mistreats his wife.  No one in their right mind will impose pain and humiliation on their own body.  Why then should a man be allowed to inflict pain and humiliation on his own wife without the stern disapproval of God-fearing people?

Love, legitimate love, for one's own self requires constant consideration of what is right and wrong, good and bad.  The obligation of this verse imposes that same sensitivity on the husband toward his wife.  Is what I do right or wrong toward her, good or bad for her?  Will it strengthen our relationship or tear it down?  It was a common saying among the Jews that a man's wife was as his own body, and that he should honor her more than his own body.  This thought is suggested by the language God chose to describe the first marriage in Genesis 2:24, "And they shall be one flesh."  According to this teaching, marriage is more than a simple joining of minds and lifetime goals.  It is a mysterious joining of their two bodies into one.  That very point gave rise to Paul's words, "This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church," verse 32.  There is a physical, emotional, and spiritual dimension to the Bible marriage.  All three areas must be involved to make it complete.

Two words appear in verse 29 to describe this love of the husband for his wife.  Nourisheth and cherisheth.  The words translated from the Greek language are instructive.  Nourisheth comes from a word that means to nurture and nourish up to maturity, and on beyond.  The same loving care that began their relationship should be the landmark of their relationship through all the seasons of life that follow.  After the children are raised and on their own, the wife might develop a feeling of uselessness.  "What is there for me now?" It is the loving husband who can give her a feeling of importance and contribution, regardless of the age of the children.  Cherisheth comes from a word that means to warm and foster with tender care.  How easy it is for the "Macho man" to forget that his wife is probably much more touched and warmed by tenderness than by muscles and a macho image.

If husbands want to claim the position of the Bible husband as the "Head of the woman," they need to find out how Christ became the head of the church, for only in that same manner can they legitimately claim that position.  Christ became the head of the church by loving her so much that he gave himself for her, a demonstration of his unqualified love for her.  Her respect for him as the head of the church is not based on fear of a physical beating or emotional rejection.  It is based on her admiring love for the one who so lovingly and tenderly nurtured her and loved her, even when she was altogether unlovable.  Husbands, here is your example.  Your work is cut out for you. Are you willing to live up to the pattern?