Marriage in God's Pattern, A Two-Way Street

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  (I Corinthians 7:3)

We are told much about the model relationship that is to exist between husbands and wives, and we are often told that God has divinely established a double standard, one that applies to the man and another to the woman.  God is not the author of a double standard!  He most definitely has assigned different roles and duties to the man and to the woman, but he has no double standard.  Neither does he view the man as inherently better than the woman or the woman as inherently less important than the man.  That God has designated specific roles for the man and the woman does not make God a chauvinist, nor does it make him regard either sex as better or worse than the other.

That a woman is prohibited to teach or assume a position of authority in the church does not make her a second-class citizen.  God has not assigned deacons the responsibility of public teaching in the church either.  Does that make them less important to the church than the preacher?  Neither has he given the other members of the church a teaching position.  Does that mean they are less important than either the preacher or the deacons?  Unless you subscribe to the doctrine and deeds of the Nicolaitanes, the hierarchical dominance of the ministry over the "Laity," a position that God says in scripture that he hates, then you cannot subscribe to this idea of one member or office in the church being more important than another.  This position is hostile to the very foundation of the Bible truth that every true believer is a priest of God and has personal privilege at the Throne of Grace.  The assignment of an office or ministry neither makes the person assigned better or worse than another.  So it is with the woman.  Her assignment in the marriage relationship does not make her a lesser being than the man.

In the maze of marital attitudes this sage counsel from scripture cuts to the heart of the matter.  It is a one-sentence marriage manual!  What happens when husbands and wives begin to quarrel and break the bonds that hold them together?  They begin to find fault, to pick at minuscule flaws and shortcomings of their partner, rendering viciousness and biased judgement against the partner who has some way disappointed or hurt them.  They feel entirely justified in doing this because of their own anger or pain.  But this verse calls them back to a levelheaded, sensible way of treating each other. Due benevolence—what is due—is an obligation, a debt.  A debt must be paid to preserve one's integrity.  Benevolence defines the milk of human kindness, looking for the best qualities in another, not picking faults.

History reports that the First Century Jews had capitalized on the allowance in the Mosaic Law for divorce to the extent that their binding written traditions included intricate procedures for a man to divorce his wife for burning the bread and other such trivial matters.  This certainly is not an example of "Due benevolence."  When husbands and wives have a disagreement, as certainly they shall over the years, they are commanded to remember the kindness of Christ toward us and to show that same kindness toward each other.

Likewise, this word makes the obligation to benevolence as binding in one direction as it is in the other.  The husband toward the wife or the wife toward the husband, it matters not.  Both are equally obligated to show due benevolence.  Marriages that are based on scorekeeping and getting even are not lasting marriages.  They will surely dissolve from the caustic juices of personal revenge.  Marriage in God's pattern requires us to control those base tendencies and to consciously choose the course of due benevolence.  We sometimes operate under the mistaken notion that husbands and wives must agree to the most minute detail on every particular, to be virtual clones of each other.  Were that the state God intended, this verse would be unnecessary.  It would serve no purpose.  Benevolence is necessary when there is a difference of opinion.  It calls on us to respect the other party, even in the disagreement.  Just because a friend, neighbor, or work associate disagrees with us does not make them our enemy, or does it justify us in treating them with contempt or disrespect.  Should not the same benevolence be honored in our marriages?

So what if the wife is not the best cook in the world or the husband cannot earn quite as much money as Dad did?  What's so important about these trivial matters anyway, when we consider the moral obligation God has laid upon us to be kind and caring to each other?  Why do we think that the scriptures that teach the moral obligation of love, forgiveness, patience, and tender-heartedness should only be applied to the people in church or the people we like?  Why should we think that if we decide not to like someone, even our marriage partner, that we are entitled to treat them with any form of disrespect or contempt that tickles our fancy?  This is not the case!  These obligations were designed to govern our conduct, specifically with those who are not as compatible or desirable to us as we think they should be.  Remember, the Lord really did say that we are to love our enemies, not the love of fraternal or mutual respect, but the love of moral integrity and conduct.  Because someone is our enemy, we are not mysteriously relieved of the moral obligation to be honest, truthful, and kind toward them.

If these truths apply to our enemies, should they not even more surely apply to our mates?  The obligation of "Due benevolence" is one of the most delightful debts we ever assumed, and payment of it always produces great joy.

May God bless this marvelous trait to heal many hurting marriages!