Off To A Good Start

When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.  (Deuteronomy 24:5)

Behavior patterns formed early in a relationship are undoubtedly the hardest to break or modify later on.  This verse is one of the most profound Bible verses on the subject of building a lasting, happy marriage.

Usually, the first few years of a marriage are the stormiest times it will face, but why?  Often, instead of following this verse, the young couple becomes enmeshed in a painful ritual dance to see who will be the leader, the most influential.  In short, they conduct a sort of polite lovers' war for position and dominance.  Each party becomes more concerned with his own personal turf than with the integration of the two lives in a united linked-for-life relationship.  Turf lines drawn in that first year will cast their shadow over the relationship for all the future.  A rather insightful poem by Robert Frost, Mending Wall, offers wise commentary on this and all genuinely meaningful relationships between two people.  Two New England farmers join forces each spring to mend the stone wall that separates their property. When Frost questions the need for such a fence, the farmer responds, "Good fences make good neighbors."  Frost's thoughts are full of the milk of human kindness and insight into open, supportive relationships that grow beyond battles over turf, relationships that are based on confidence and love toward self and the partner, the true cement for a good marriage.  "Before I built a wall I'd ask to know What I was walling in or walling out, And to whom I was like to give offense.  Something there is that doesn't love a wall, That wants it down." Perhaps the best advise to newlyweds is to keep walls out of the marriage relationship.  A marriage should be more than a journey through life with someone who lives on the other side of a wall, any wall.

Consider the force of this verse.  For one full year after the marriage, the husband was freed from obligations to go to war or other civic duties.  He was to remain at home and "Cheer up his wife which he hath taken."  Now compare this example with the usual first year activities of young married couples. Soon after the honeymoon is over, the wife wants to perpetuate many of the relationships and activities that were altogether normal for her single life, a regular night out with the girls, a recreational weekend away with friends, or whatever.  Likewise, the man wants to re-establish his regular habits with the boys, bowling, football, hunting, fishing, or similar activities.  While none of these things for either husband or wife are inherently wrong or harmful, this first year of marriage is to be more than just another year in the life of….  It is to be the foundational year that will influence the remainder of their life together; it is to be different by design.

Based on this verse, the first twelve months of marriage are to be dominated by time and activities with each other, integrated, caring time.  Since the man is most often called away by business and civic duties, the verse focuses on his behavior, but the principle applies to both partners.  During this year, a calculated distance should be held between the new couple and all others.  Parents, especially parents if they tend to be overbearing and want to continue directing the life of their child, best friends, professional activities, separate recreational interests.  That first year is dedicated to becoming one in a manner that runs much deeper than words repeated in a marriage vow.  The honeymoon offers a brief ritual of this function, but a few days away is not sufficient to form the bonds of support and dependence, of love and respect, that are necessary for the marriage to last through the rocky times and storms that life will most certainly bring upon it.  In a beautiful, wise manner this verse suggests a yearlong honeymoon of sorts.

Those old patterns of dependence on parents, friends and work associates should be put on hold while the new relationship becomes established on firm emotional ground.  The commentary in Genesis 2 about a man "Leaving father and mother" is developed in a truly practical manner in this verse.

The counsel of this verse does not require a perpetual shielding of the marriage partners from all outsiders forever.  Once the marriage relationship has been established and those feelings of respect and trust have taken on that new depth and dimension of a willing and very serious life-long commitment, the couple can then reach out into the world around them and jointly select and enjoy friendships, fellowship, and recreational interests that they want and enjoy.  Perhaps the night out with the boys or girls will be replaced with an evening out with another couple.  Perhaps football and hunting will be replaced with bowling or fishing together or with other couples.  The direction our verse offers is intended to allow an extended time for the couple to work out a comfortable relationship between them with a minimum amount of influence from the old sphere in which they lived before marriage.  We should not think of life after marriage as just a continuation of the old life with the addition of another person in our lives.  That thinking will tend to make the other person surplus baggage, not exactly the best way to build a model marriage.

Life after marriage should be more enjoyable, more rewarding, more fulfilling, and more of everything good than it ever was before.  This verse offers God's unbeatable model to assure that blessed state.  Many races are won or lost by the start the runner gets.  A good start does even more to assure final victory in this more important race, the quest for a really good marriage.