The Theology of Marriage

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  (Ephesians 5:33)

Nevertheless; it's amazing how much we can learn from a simple utility word like this.  In this passage it tells us that while the most important lesson is something else, the timely relationship of husbands and wives is not to be taken as unimportant or unnecessary.  Before embarking on our study of husbands and wives, let's study the spiritual reality behind the lesson, the heavenly theme that was used to illustrate the husband-wife relationship.  It will help us immensely as we are faced with a less than perfect world, a less than perfect husband or wife, and a less than perfect marriage relationship. In reality, since no mortal is perfect, no relationship, even the most successful marriage, is perfect.  Therefore, this lesson will serve to instruct us richly in the reality of life's relationships, marriage included.

Marital relationships begin with verse 22 of this chapter.  We cannot read far into the lesson without being drawn to the conclusion that marriage is a spiritual relationship.  The wife is compared with the church that Christ loved, sanctified, and washed, the church that he will finally present to himself, a glorious church without spot, wrinkle, or blemish.  The husband is compared with Christ, the faithful lover and savior of the church.

While the wife is taught to be in subjection to her husband, it is to be the kind of subjection we see in the church's subjection to Christ.  It is a certain quality of subjection, not general slavery, for the church is not Christ's slave, but his beloved bride.  The example he gives here is based on unconditional love.  Equally, her subjection is to be in loving consideration for the miracle of love that he has bestowed upon her.  The husband is not told to domineer over his wife, but to love her in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.  Men may be disappointed, but the specific command that the wife is to "Obey" her husband is conspicuously absent from scripture!  Whatever subjection the husband may have reason or right to expect, his most significant responsibility is to love his wife with the same kind and quality of love that Christ had for his church.

In our modern culture there is an underlying belief that anytime a spouse, husband or wife, crosses over a certain line of conduct, the offended partner is not only excused, but almost compelled to divorce the offender.  The example of Christ and the church eliminates that notion altogether.  What was the visible indicator that Christ loved the church?  Was it not that he made provision to remove her spots, wrinkles, and blemishes?  Modern theology may be more the villain in the corruption of marriage than Hollywood.  Think of the popular theology of our day.  It is clearly that, if you do not remove some of your spots, wrinkles, and blemishes, you cannot become a member of the family of God.  You are told that God loves you, for he supposedly loves everybody, but you are also warned that his love is not forever.  It is in danger of ceasing unless you respond to it.  Are you not told that God is altogether justified in deciding to stop loving you unless you respond to his kind overtures.  Can you not see the fallacy of this doctrine?  If God is justified in terminating his love for the sinner who does not correctly respond to his courtship (Have you ever heard a preacher speak of the "Wooing" of the Holy Spirit?), then a husband or wife who becomes displeased with a less than perfect partner is equally justified in breaking the marriage bond.  What a disastrous theology!  It violates the Bible's clear assertion that God's love is everlasting, specific, and unconditional!  His model love removed the imperfections of his bride, rather than justifying his divorce of her!

Because of severe abuse or other threatening issues, a marriage may necessarily have to be dissolved, but it should be noted that in such a case one of the partners deserted a responsible position in the marriage long before the dissolution.  That irresponsible desertion of responsibility is what this lesson is aimed at preventing.  We should never think that God is confused by the spider and the cobweb, the cause and the effect, of actions. This lesson aims directly at the cause of marital problems and is designed to interrupt the erring behavior before it destroys the marriage.

Take note that the quality and kind of love that is here set forth as the foundation for a lasting, happy marriage is neither physical, nor emotional, but spiritual!  Physical appearance changes with age, and so does the shallow love that is based on it.  Emotions ride up and down the roller coaster of human cycles and circumstances, and so will the love that is based on them. The word translated love in this chapter, comes from the Greek word that defines love as a moral quality, not based on the beauty or behavior of the object loved, but based on the preciousness of the object in the heart of the lover, and endowed with a constant moral commitment to control and influence the attitude and conduct of the lover toward the object that is so loved. Physical attraction and emotions certainly will be present in a sound marriage, but this deeper love should be the foundation.  Biblical morals don't change with time or circumstances.  It is just as wrong to lie or steal when you are happy as it is when you are sad.  And while we are thinking about God's "Big Ten," let's apply the relevant commandment to our lesson.  It is just as wrong to commit adultery when you are mad at your spouse, as it is when you are madly in love with him or her.  Moral conviction controls thoughts and behavior.  The moral quality of love that is to be the basis of marriage also controls thoughts and behavior!  God's love affair with his church will not end!  Neither should ours with our marriage partner!